I WANNA BE RICH

My lil mama fell for an internet scam. I tried to told her ain't no get rich quick in this life but a hard head makes a soft ass.You can't help but love her though, she always think she gonna bring home a big payday and I'll be glad I struggled with her. It reminded me of when I fell for a big scam too. I used to read those little local papers and in the classifieds I saw an ad that says they would pay me $5.00 for each envelope I stuffed. KA......CHING!!!!!!. I started envisioning the whole thing in my head. I would work like 17 hours a day monday through friday. Very little sleep, after all i could stuff maybe 1,000 envelopes a day. There was this girl I was in love with but she "saw me like a brother". Bet you won't think of me as a brother when I come through in a spaceship with some 20 inch rims on it BIATCCHHH!!! heh heh I'd dream of it all day while I slaved to save an extra $85 to send away to join. I was working out of this little temp agency at the time and they would send me on all kinds of jobs.One gig I used to like was dishwasher at this nice hotel.





It's amazing how much rich people waste food. There would be these big banquets at the hotel and they would bring carts back full of steaks with only 2 bites taken out of them, mashed potatoes untouched, scrimps still whole etc.....We would take the unopened sodas,chips etc and eat while we work, sometimes take home. I never fit in over there because I was a privileged kid (compared to them) who had just dropped out of college working with ex cons and degenerates who could not get real jobs and slept behind auto zone. Sometimes I would work in the front where you would take plates off the cart, scrape them into the trash then put them on the conveyor belt of the dishwasher. Other times I'd work on the end where you take the clean plates off and put them on the rack. This part kinda sucked cause the plates would be still hot and after a while your hands would be damned near burned off.

I know it sounds like a stupid job to you but I preferred it to some jobs I had where I dealt with rude customers and asshole managers.Anyway I saved the money and sent it off and continued dreaming. I even thought about hiring an assistant so I could get even more letters folded. I figured after 6 months of diligent service I would give him the connect like I was Nino Brown or something. I checked the mail everyday and on days where the suspense was killing me, I would call home and see if a big box had arrived for me.

One day not a box but a package arrived for me,odd. Why would they send me a package instead of the supplies? I opened the package and it said that I had taken the first step and if I sent more money I would get the stuff. I realized no matter how much I sent I would never receive any supplies, I'd been had. I was so brokenhearted, not only would I never get the girl I wanted so bad but I lost my ticket out of that minimum wage hell I was in. I was back to square one, it was like that TI video where the girl thinks shes with TI and living the good life and she wakes up and shes still behind a register. It's the saddest thing in the world to see a grown man misting up




I told a dude at work about this and he told me I was a damn fool. He said why would someone pay me $5 to stuff an envelope when they have a machine that could do it for 1 cent and never get tired? ummmm.....yeah I am stupid. As much as I wanted to scold my lil mama for not listening to me all I could do was embrace her cause I know how it felt. So....have you ever been scammed?

THAT'S MY MAMA

My 10 year old nephew got his ass knocked out....literally.




guess he didnt inherit my knuckle game.when I was 10 I was giving cats the beatings of their lives.....or maybe not. One time I took my sisters cool new watch to school to show off to my friends.I was like in 1st grade or something. Everyone is on my tip sweating me when all of a sudden I feel a big ass shadow behind me












2 4th graders had rolled up on me and normally I would have pulled out and banged on em but I had left my super soaker at home. They took the watch from me. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO NOW? That wasn't my watch to begin with now I gotta go home and tell my sister I lost it? I sat in class all day and dreamed about running away from home . Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

After my sisters pick me up from school, we go home and halfway through Facts of Life I break the news to my youngest sis. Even Tootie spinning around on her roller skates couldn't save me. I got duffed out by my mom. Her fucking ass didn't even buy the watch in the first place ,it was a gift. What was she so mad for?....bitch.

The next morning as we leave for school mom started getting dressed too. UH OH!!! All along the way I keep hoping she turns down another street but she walks all the way with us to school. We get there and she tells me to point out the kids who robbed me, I said I'd never tell even if I sat in a cell.........YEAH RIGHT!! I snitched my ass off. I pointed the kids out and when they saw me and my mama coming I swear they almost shit their drawers











My mama said to give her the watch, The Gooch took it off so fast he almost got watch burn. Dukes pockets the watch then sets her purse down. She gets down on her knees and tells the kid since they are the same height now that he should try his luck and swing on her. The Gooch shook his head so hard I thought that sumbitch was gonna fly off. Dukes gets back on her feet and tells the kid if he ever fucks with me again she was gonna come back and throw him over the fence with one arm (is that even physically possible?) . That kid never so much as made eye contact with me again. Sigh.....that's Ma Dukes for ya

SO I CREEP...

I've porked a few fatties in my youth, I admit it.



a couple sasquatches and one certified booger bear.why they the ones who always wanna be claimed and shit? you ever just had a fling with someone just to blow off some steam and they think y'all "together"?

80 degrees as i tell that trick please
raise up off these N-U-T-S
cause you gets none of these
at ease


one time i was going through a lot of stuff and i met this chick one saturday night while i was out trying to clear my head. She wasn't the hottest girl out there but i needed a pick me up. DON'T JUDGE ME Y'ALL I WAS GOING THROUGH A LOT OF SHIT!!!. I got the digits (back then it was still cool to say got the digits) we conversated a few times, and we set up a smash session for later that week.

It was good y'all.I cant even lie, Queen Latifah's little sister BROKE ME OFF. We was originally just supposed to go out and make out a little but on the way home i pulled over to 7-11 and got her chunky ass a big gulp. I guess all that syrup + the jodeci blend tape (HOO YEAH!!!!) + the glade air freshener i positioned strategically in front of the air vent + my natural mackadociousness was just too much for her.

we started bustin a goobin in her driveway but her pops was home so we moved it over to my crib.I got topped off on the drive home, she musta thought it was a corn dog or something. We got to my room and it was on!!

LIKE TWO GORILLAS IN THE JUNGLE MAKING LOVE!!!

what would you doooooooo for a klondike bar? I put it on her big ass, or at least I tried to. Remember when Xscape sang about the softest place on earth? I found it lying on her stomach. Lol the funniest part of that night was i was playing R kelly half on a baby (I used to have the mixtapes for that azz!) and she stood up on my bed and straddled me and started dancing to the music like she thought it was turning me on. All I could think was "Lord if this big bitch falls on me its a wrap".

After a while of laying in the bed listening to 702 etc.. she starts saying how cool she thinks I am and she dont wanna just be a fuck to me,she wanna be my lady and go out to eat womp womp womp



shoulda thought of that before you gave up the panty draws big chops.

**break** before you start calling me a douchebag,you need to know 3 things

1) I'd just gotten out of like 3 bad relationships in a row of women taking advantage of me

2) I was very young

3) I dont give a fuck. This is my blog, thats how it works.sike!! :)

So now im ready for her to go so I start throwing all kinds of hints

me: what time is it? 2:30??? damn i gotta lot of shit to do tomorrow. I gotta pick my aunt up from the airport....

big chops: you got a shirt I can sleep in?





DAMN!!! now ima have to buy her breakfast. ol hungry rooty tooty fresh and fruity eatin ass

TOP FLIGHT

I was a security guard for a few years.good money too. I started at a hotel/resort place and later transferred to a small apartment complex.when i interviewed they kept asking me how id handle all these different situations.i thought they wanted someone real tough so i gave all these thuggish answers

?: what if you have a guest making too much noise?

me:punch him in his motherfucking mouth

?:what if you have a lady who wants you to let her in her room but doesnt have any id on her

me:hmmmmmm.....(after some thought) punch her in her motherfucking mouth?

they told me i was coming on too strong but i got the job anyway.they said they didnt want me to have my pants hanging off my ass (what kind of racist shit is that?) and made me wear these tightass nut hugging brown polyester pants.thats me on the left



we didnt have names either we only referred to each other as our number

me:this is 525 doing a patrol in sector 4 over.

thats right i had my own little golf cart snitches.i had just gotten my license and loved driving my little cart at top speed.one day about a week after i started i was congratulating myself on what a good driver i had become ,i went around a turn too fast and the polyester pants aint have no kind of grip so i slid acroooooooossss the seat of my cart,hit the rail and flew out my cart,i mean patrol vehicle.im on the ground but the cart kept going and smashed into somebodys car.i look around to see if anybody saw me.no one did so i jumped in the cart to bump out but it wont start and the windshield had fallen out.i put the windshield in the seat and pushed that shit the hell out of dodge before i lose that good job.

that job was fun sometimes.there was a gas pump where we would fill up the vans.tell me why my supervisor would pull up his real car and fill that bitch to the top then mark it in the book as the van.he told his boss that the van got bad mileage when they asked why it got filled up regularly but stayed empty.

one night a drunk lady called up and said she thinks shed been raped.i knooooww its fucked up but we laughed our asses off.how do you THINK youd been raped?

one night a dude had a heart attack.the ambulance came to get him and on the way out the ambulance jumped the curb and ran into a tree.the tree fell on a bunch of cars( i guess it was just his time to go). it was so funny watching my superior officer call a bunch of people and tell them their car had been in an accident when they parked their car for the night hours ago.

one night i had a date.i called up my superior officer and gave him this big lie about how one of my eyes was maybe infected or something and i would probably have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow.do you know that fool still made me come in and promised to let me off early? now i couldnt go in with two healthy eyes or id look like a liar so i wore a damn eyepatch the whole night and told myself i look like romeo from immature.man i used to be a fool

Q-U-I-C-K-I-E

Wasnt gonna post shit tonight cause i got so much shit going on but i didnt post yesterday either.

*This one time when i was working as a security guard.this other guard used to SWEAR he was the next diddy/donald trump rags to riches story.he had a million schemes.this one time he bought 1,000 copies of some wack ass rapper i never even heard of and said he was gonna sell each copy at $7 apiece and buy 2,000 more and keep doing that. man that motherfucker never sold ONE



shit doesnt stop there.after he realizes he cant sell the shit,he tries to get ME to sell them promising ill get a cut of the profit. 25% of 0 is 0.i know that much.turns out the rapper was 50 cent






naw im just fucking with yall.it was some fake ass bone thugs cat from delaware or some shit.do you know somebody thats ALWAYS trying to get over? fake ass hustle man.



there was this other older spanish security guard who for some reason always called me boo.

pass me that flashlight boo

you know my radio is dead? ill be right back boo

he didnt do it on no gay shit.but the shit did make me uncomfortable when id do my patrols

PART III:BEAT YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHING

My mama would have out of body experiences sometimes and beat me like she aint even know me.She beat me like a slave one time.no i really mean she beat me like a slave.she stood back and gave herself enough space and would swing from the hip to have more power.heres the story:

One time when I was 10 I finished my bubble bath (FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!!!) and took my ninja turtles out the tub but i guess i forgot to empty all the mr. bubble out the tub.anyway i go and ride my bike and practicing my wheelies when i hear my fam calling me. I go in the house and ma beagle is sitting on the couch with her robe around her shoulders like James Brown singing Living in America. i ask what happened and my sister tells me i didnt take all the soap out the tub and mom went in the tub and slipped her big ass on all the foam. I picture her fat ass slipping and calling out for jesus while pulling down the shower curtain and start cracking up laughing.everyone was stunned for a second and then.....you ever watch a football game where they dont protect the receiver and like four guys just pile on him? yeah it was like that.i got sacked......but fuck it that shits still funny today.

one time after my mom blacked out on my ass i was taking a bath and she came in and asked what happened to my back.i gawked at her for a second then screamed "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN WHAT HAPPENED ? YOU CHOKED ME OUT LIKE DR DRE DID THAT BITCH THATS WHAT HAPPENED.NOW TAKE YOUR ASS TO THE STORE AND BUY SOME REAL CEREAL LIKE THE WHITE KIDS EAT ON TV!!!" i swear to you thats what i told her....or at least i meant to.

one time ma dukes didnt have time to grab a belt and she unleashed the dragon on my ass.

**break**
WPIX used to show the Last Dragon all the time and ninja turtles just came out so in my mind i thought i was a karate master

my mom starts slapping me around and i thought i had practiced my arts enough to be able to counter and block her attack.her chi was stronger than mine and she hit me with a combo i didnt anticipate.i had a shiner

















at this point she knew she fucked up and the people would be on her ass if i went to school like that .so i got to stay home for a week.lol you should seen her ass buying me all kinds of cheez doodles and ring pops and quarter waters,ol scary ass.she told me if the school called to tell them i had the flu, IN THE MIDDLE OF MAY?.man i stayed home and watched carebears,fantastic max and all that good shit.then reruns of good times and jeffersons came on.i lived it up that week.her ass was like ike turner telling anna mae not to leave the group.

PART II:BEAT YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHING

No im not done yet. I used to get beat like a pinata. In my house anybody older than you could discipline you and there was nothing you could do about it.That stopped like when i was 13 and I had the Barry White voice action going on. I barked on my sister that I was through getting hit and since I was looking down on her with my fists clenched she knew that those days were over.But when i was getting whooped i took some major ones (double no homo)

* One of the greatest whoopings of the 90's happened when i got 4 F's on my report card in 6th grade. Damn mrs. Lightman couldnt you have thrown some D's on that bitch? ...anyway I get home and My sister came home from stealing cups and plates aka the night shift at the sizzler.She was too tired to beat me but she told me to write her an essay on what excuse i had on failing 4 classes and have it ready by the time i came home from school. I told her not paying attention in class is what got me 4 F's in the first place so what sense does it make for me to write a report during school.i swear i never saw it coming

*One time my mom and i were home and she was cooking .She hadnt heard from me in a while so she came into my room and saw me somersaulting ACROSS the room onto my bed off of the top of a dresser.she actually stood there in shock for a second.that one i did see coming but i could do nothing to stop it.

*One time in church my mom caught me accepting candy from a lady she didnt know.im thinking i got away with it and chewing on my candy bar and singing "break me off a piece of that kit kat bar" .dukes doesnt say anything till were on the way home that night.all she said was "I saw you take that candy" .i spent the rest of the way home cursing that lady who couldnt keep her fucking candy bars to herself.ol bitch.when we get home i go into her room to get my whoopin.she tells me to take my church clothes off.i go in my room then come back naked.she calls me stupid and to go put my pajamas on.Then i find this big fluffy ass Cliff Huxtable sweater to cushion the blows and go back in her room.she tells me to take it off and by this time shes so mad she comes in and starts beating me not caring what the hell i had on.

*The last time I remember them getting physical with me was when my youngest sister was pregnant. I asked to go over my friends house and she said no. I didnt see why not ,it was friday and there was nothing to do so why the fuck not? i called myself getting bold and walked out the house anyway. My sister runs down the street after me and threatens me.she pushed me and by this time im so fucking frustrated at everyone always dumping on me and telling me what i can and cant do when they do whatever they like i dont even think and shove my sister back HARD. now i know i was dead wrong but i was young and stupid and frustrated .My sister was smart enough to leave me alone after that.she told my middle sister later and she took off her shoe and slapped me in the face with it.i let it slide even though at this point in time i could have easily put her through the wall because id done enough damage that day. But after that point even though my sisters and mom threatened me everyday no one ever really put their hands on me again.because i dont argue,i dont fight....I JUST HIT THAT BITCH WITH A BOTTLE

BEAT YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHING

You ever been beat so long it felt like 2 whoopings? I took some major ones in my time (no homo).

one time my cousins came over and i wanted to go home with them and sleep over. I asked my mom and she said no.i was pretty bummed about it but my cousin said he asked her for me and she said yes.so when they left i got in the truck with them.Im over there doing all kinds of hoodrat stuff,playing nintendo,touch football and all that when in walks my mama. WHAT?!?!?!?!. i heard her in the hall asking where i was at.why would she come over if she told my cousin to take me with them? my cousin turns around to me and says HIDE!!!!!!!!

oh shit what did they get me into? there was a big box of clothes in the closet

**break** i know you asking yourself why is there a box of clothes in the closet?
Answer: this is the hood


i take some of the clothes out of the box and jump in the box and pull the clothes in over me.i bet i looked like an ass.the closet door flies open and theres big mama and she looks pissed.i dont know why i thought i did such a good job of blending in with the box but in my mind im a chameleon she cant see.my mama stares at me for a while then says "BOY YOU AINT FOOLIN NOBODY,GET OUT THAT BOX!!!" i still didnt get out because i knew it was a wrap for me.I get out the box and my mama is laughing with my aunt about how silly i was and how you cant do nothing with kids.she was laughing, that means there will be slow singing and flower bringing for me later.we get home and the worst possible thing happens, I DONT GET A BEATING. UH OH!!
that means shes making me wait for it. Her and my sister go food shopping (not the good kind that food stamps buys you,the cheap corn flakes shopping)when they come back,as the only man in the house its my duty to carry the groceries in.I feel like if i do a really good job maybe theyll forget about whippin me. I carry 4-5 bags in at a time like im popeye gone off that spinach.after i put all the cornflakes and peanut butter/jelly in the same jar away my mom tells me to go in the room

**break** now i dont really remember most of what happened next, but remember WWF back in the day when Hacksaw Jim Duggan would run down the aisle ,jump in the ring and start breaking everyone off with his 2x4? yeah it was something like that

after it was over and im checking my wounds,the door flies open and she runs back in there and gives me some more, she says " THATS FOR NOT GETTING OUT THE BOX WHEN I SEEN YOU".

why didnt i just get out the damn box?

LESSON LEARNED

One time my sisters ex came into town while i was living with her. She agreed to let him sleep on the couch while he was in town for the weekend. He said yeah but figured hed end up in her bed anyway. I wake up to them arguing because hes climbed into her bed and wants sex and shes saying she didnt agree to that. This went on forever and i just ignored it and tried to go back to sleep.after a while my sister starts crying and tells him that she wants him out and she wish she were a man so she could fight him and throw him out.now the kind of person i am wont let me not get involved at this point.this is my sister now and i cant let some dude pick on her especially while im right there.i go in the room and yeah i was a litlle nervous cause this was a big dude and there was a good chance i wouldnt win that fight but that was nothing compared to the pain id feel for not defending my sister cause i was scared. i tell dude to get out.he tells me to mind my business and that when his sister and her man fight he just minds his business.i told him this was past an argument and he needed to kick rocks or get ready to fight me cause nothing else needed to be said.

Then i got the knockout punch.no the dude didnt touch me.my sister runs up the stairs and cusses my motherfucking ass out for getting in her business and she can take care of herself. my jaw hit the ground yall.ive never been so shocked in my life.i jumped in to defend this girl and she turned on me.woooooooooooowwwwwwww.i was so upset i went in my room and slammed the door.i was still upset so i gave the door a kick.i dont know what material the door was made out of but it EXPLODED .i didnt expect that but fuck it i had other things on my mind.i thought family was supposed to stick together no matter what.how she could defend this dude and get on me when i was right and he was wrong?

the dude comes to my room and he reaches in through the hole i just created in my door and unlocks the door an comes in and apologizes.i wanted to tell him fuck you but what would have been the point of that? my sister already chose her side so whats the point of me continuing to beef with him? i didnt accept his apology but i didnt fight him either.i was so frustrated that day for so many reasons.mainly cause my sister betrayed me and secondly if i could have moved out i would have done so right away.i felt so helpless man.i had to keep living there even though i didnt want to,i told myself then i never wanted to be so bad off financially that i couldnt do what i wanted with my life.i guess thats why i get so frustrated with having to take care of somebody financially to the point i cant really do what i want for myself.it goes against everything i promised to myself years ago.to make things worse my sister gives the dude a ride to go stay somewhere else (she should have threw his shit out on the curb and told him to call a cab Beyonce style).when she gets home and comes to my room and looks at the door and asks me what happened to her door.i scream on her that she knows what happened.she tells me that i better come up with some way to fix it.i was soooooooooooo angry about that.i love my sister but to this day we still arent as close as we used to be before that day.she showed her true colors that day.i learned a valuable lesson though : dont get too involved in somebodys personal affairs.thats why its called personal affairs.

you may say im fucked up but if im walking down the street and see some dude shaking the shit out of his lady,thats not my business.a security guard i knew tried to break up a domestic dispute one time and the husband and the wife tag teamed his ass like the Legion of Doom used to do.Ive seen dudes beat up their women,cheat on them and those women take them back,shit some of them dont even leave in the first place.

ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON.........

One time (last fathers day) I decided to get me a haircut while i was out doing a little shopping.while im getting the words "DOPEBOY FRESH" cut in the back of my head one of the barbers breaks out a bottle of vodka and starts serving everybody up.He offers me but im like naw. He says come on its fathers day but i say no.he offered me like 2 more times and i declined.he hands me a cup anyway and fills that bitch to the top.so i say fuck it and sip.its like somebody poured a cup of fucking lava down my throat but i cant choke or ill look like a lame.my haircut is almost over so i chug the rest cause you know you cant walk in public with alcohol. The barber charges me $18 instead of the $12 i usually pay (did these motherfuckers just charge me for the drink?) and i go on my merry way with my new haircut.

about 20 minutes later i am walking down the street and turn to look for a store AND THE WHOLE STREET STARTS SPINNING AROUND AND ROUND. AM I DRUNK? OH HELL NO I CANT BE DRUNK ITS SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

**break** one thing you have to understand is i am a HORRRRRIIIBBBLLLEEE drunk.thats why i dont drink.i have no control over my emotions

so at this point i start realizing i am drunk and i am mad about it.i (i have to LOL before i say this) i start shadow boxing on the street because in my mind i am training to come fight the barber on christmas day for making me drunk.i start drunk texting my friends at 2pm sunday afternoon telling them the fight of the century will take place on christmas day at the barber shop.

**break** i hadnt eaten that day yet cause i got up super late so i hadnt had anything in my belly since like 24 hours before.just mad vodka all lonely in there

so now im walking down the street not knowing what to do because i am farrrrrrr away from home so i dont trust myself to get home alright.so i decide to try a few remedies to sober up quick.i heard if you put bread in your stomach it soaks up the alcohol so i shadow box down to the jamaican store and order 4 yes 4 beef patties and a soda.i gobble them at the counter and inhale the soda.my head is spinning round and round at this point because im a lightweight drinker and i didnt expect it plus im tired from all that shadow boxing.after that i go into a store and buy a vibe magazine i already have.i feel the effects going away a little bit so i buy a fruit salad with watermelon in it.after a while i start sobering up and i look at my phone and see all these text messages asking me what the fuck am i talking about and who is fighting who.damn i hate drinking

whats your drunk story?

WHY I DONT COOK ANYMORE

WARNING:this story is a tad gross


One time I came home and decided to throw a couple sausages on my grill (super no homo) . I was doing it big,i didnt get the bootleg seven eleven ones chrissy snow be buying. no suh i had just got paid (but it wasnt friday night) and went all out,yep i got some hillshire farms



YA DIG!!!!!!! i had me a tall, tall can of juicy juice waiting for my thirsty ass. so while im grillin im on the phone with my lil mama and i guess i am not paying as much attention to my food as i could be. when i stop them they look a little under done but i say fuck it, whats the worst that could happen right?

FOOD POISONING MOTHERFUCKER,thats what could happen. so im watching a movie a little later on and i notice i feel FULL like i just had thanksgiving dinner and went back for seconds .im in my bed sweating like a slave all night.i feel like im having a baby or something cause my stomach feels so full.no matter how much i threw up or used the restroom i still feel full.you know those little african kids with the big bellies? yep thats what i felt like.

so the next morning i feel like fried shit but i get up for work anyway.I couldnt call out because i had JUST started this new job and i was still on a probationary period plus my name is n0days0ff so i wasnt gonna let a little tummy ache stop me from getting that cheese.i get to work and throw up in a wastebasket (nice little suprise for the janitor lady).i end up staying in the nurses office all day sleeping.I leave early and i mention to this dude at work how ive been throwing up but still feel so full.he thinks i want to STOP throwing up and using the restroom when in actuality i wished id throw up more so all the food could pass through my system.He tells me to get some Imodium AD and im like true!!!!! this will give me diarrhea so i can pass everything through.WRONG!! man i was stopped up like 5 o clock traffic. im lactose intolerant so as a last resort i go buy a nestle strawberry quik (yum) to make me go.still didnt work.actually it was like 3 days before i had a bowel movement.ever since the only thing i make is a sandwich,ive been scared to even boil an egg since then.

you ever had food poisoning?

HO HO HO MUFUCKA!!

You ever had a christmas where you aint get shit? no no no im not saying the gifts were wack im talmbout THERE WERE NO GIFTS! well thats what it was like me for damn near every christmas.after a while i got used to it but what was crazy was going back to school and all your white friends wanna ask you what you got and you dont wanna look like the poor black kid with no dad (sniffle) so you start making up shit you wish you got.

**break** if ANYONE says anything about that long run on sentence they getting donkey konged.

i used to always make up these outrageous gifts and an excuse on why i couldnt bring it to school or outside, talmbout my mama got mad so she took my new bike to my aunts to punish me.there was this one kid i couldnt stand who knew i was full of shit trying to hem me up

n0: i got me a sega genesis dawg!!

a-hole: what games did you get?

n0: huh? oh this one aint come with no game but my uncle takin me to toys r us next week if hes not workin

damn my mama was cheap,couldnt get a mufucka a rubiks cube or a slinkie or nothing!!!i remember asking her for a skateboard every year for like 4 years straight and never got that bitch.one day we was at a garage sale and i saw one for $12 i picked it up and barked on her ass "YOU GETTIN THIS!!" or maybe i begged her ,i dont remember.tell me why after finally gettin a skateboard she wouldnt let me ride it standin up cause she was too cheap to buy pads? i was in the driveway riding it down to the curb like a boogie board.thats the story of my life,even when i win i lose.anyway whats the one gift you were crazy for but never got?

wait i have more. tell me why one year i got a laser tag kit? just one, ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A PAIR!! thats like getting one walkie talkie or one roller skate. so me and my step brother would take turns, he would wear the vest and i would shoot him.

tell me why one year i got a nintendo but no one would let me use it cause they said it messes up your tv?why i still lost cause everyone else was on super nintendo by then?

why one year all i got was an ass whuppin? loooooollll thats another story. shit i gotta stretch these posts out now.

i might have to post a part 2 to this cause im not NEAR through

YOU GON RESPECT THESE STAMPS!!!!!

back in school kids always used to crack on each other saying you on food stamps and all kinds of shit.always talmbout how somebody on welfare and guvment cheese and all that.i just grew up thinking as bad as things was at least we aint on stamps.

One friday there was nobody to watch me so i went to spend the night at my neighbors.she had went and picked up her stamps earlier that day (its the 1st of the month so grab your check and come on) and was going to shop.i wanted to stay home so bad, what if somebody saw me shopping with food stamps?? she made me go and i walked behind her so embarrassed i thought i would die.we get in the store and she grabs a cart and heads down the cereal aisle.I'll be goddamned if this heifer aint start putting all kinds of cinnamon toast crunch, apple jacks and rice krispies in her cart.my mouth was hanging open cause we NEVER had the cereal the little white boys on tv had.my cheap a mama always got corn flakes cause that big ass box was like $2.50 and other cereal was like $5.

im not done yet.she was putting all kinds of sausage links, and apple juice and eggs in her cart.that shit was too much for my brain to handle.her kids were getting all kinds of grapes and little minute maid juices and popcorn and doritos and putting it in the cart.WORD??!! its like that?

** break** now that i think about it she was a ol breakfast eating ho.

anyway she had bagels WIF cream cheese.she bought peanut butter and jelly SEPARATE.not that one that came in the same jar for a discount my cheap a mama used to buy.her cart was so full i couldnt stand it.then came the ultimate......SHE BOUGHT LUNCHABLES!!!!! i almost dropped dead right in aisle 5 of winn dixie.i didnt even know black people ate good like that.i was so in awe of food stamps i almost offered to give them to the cashier myself. so fuck what you heard if you over there laughing at people on them stamps like i used to do,look in your fridge then look in their fridge...ill wait.

P.S. i grubbed my ass off that night.you know how stupid kids act when they got some good food.i took a big bite of cereal and said "GOTTA HAVE MY POPS"

peace snitches

OVER A FUCKING TROPICANA TWISTER

one time when i was staying over my sisters it was a friday night (i remember it well) and wasnt shit in the house to drink but tap water and i was thirsty as Amistad. So i decide to take a stroll to the little 24 hour gas station to pick up a tropicana twister to quench my thirst.

i get it and am walking back to the crib when these three goons roll by me on bikes.i dont get alarmed cause even though theyre goons i am a goblin.one of them looks back and asks if i got that coke and i say no.2 of them get off their bikes and start walking to me .i think this is weird then one of them says "were not gonna hurt you" my spider senses went off and i threw my tropicana twister at one of them and hauled ass.after like 50 yards i think im gonna turn around and see them laughing at me like what the fucks wrong with buddy? WRONG!! i turn around and just see a hand reaching out for me and i pour on the turbo boost.i start screaming HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!! hoping some one in the neighborhood comes out the door so i at least dont get killed


**break**

i know youre laughing to yourself like what a bitch (KALI!!) but i was by myself in a dark side street against 3 big cornbread eating motherfuckers.i wasnt worried about getting beat up i was worried about getting my ass shot or something.id rather be a live chicken than a dead duck

by this time im coming up close to the corner and i do a straight power ranger move.im running as fast as i can and reach out and grab the pole of the street sign and the momennimum (yes momen-ni-mum) swings me around till im headed a whole nother direction.now im running in traffic ,cars honkin all kinds of shit. i cross the street and see a car coming i try to flag it down .two white girls in the front seat look at me like yeah right and go right past me.i turn around and see the goons getting back on their bikes and ride away looking for another victim or whatever they do.after a block or so the white girls come back and say "did you need help?" i dont even say anything and keep walking.at this point i realize I NEVER GOT TO DRINK MY GOTDAMN TROPICANA TWISTER!!!!!!!!!!

46

How come girls always try to set you up with their not too attractive girlfriends?
One time at the movies I was talking to these two girls (one attractive and the other...) as they walk away i yell to the hot one save me a seat in there .big chops turns around and says ok i will.FUCK!! but i say screw it i can still pull this off.we watch the movie and afterwards hot girl keeps trying to force a love connection between me and big chops.honestly she seemed cool and we exchange numbers and talk a couple times in the week.no sparks (on my end anyway) but good laughs and stuff. so we make plans to hang out one night and i agree.

**break** Now im older i know i shouldnt have agreed to this but at the time i thought it was innocent enough plus i had no intentions on doing anything with her but i had nothing else going on at the time

She gives me HORR-IBLE directions to her house so im driving almost an extra hour to find her apartment,all in the parking lot squinting at building numbers.this is pre cell phone so i had to pull over and call her.so i get to her house and she opens the door and tell me why she has her whole posse there waiting to meet me.im talking about Regine,Maxine,Sinclaire EVERYBODY.fat ass this isnt a date im just bored. so after a while we go chill in her room and watch tv we come out and the girls are giggling like i was breaking her spinal cord in the room (ewwww). we head out to Denny's (if you not in the south google it)

Tell me why when we get to the restaurant she starts getting all french and looking at the menu with extreme attention to detail? big chops orders some appetizers and an ice cream float WITH (notice i wrote it in bold and caps) an EXTRA scoop of ice cream on top.all the playas know that extra french shit means you fuckin.so i order my food.after big chops polishes off her appetizers she orders the main course (my head is spinning too just like yours at this point) AND ANOTHER ice cream float with an extra scoop.over dinner she starts telling me all her hopes and dreams and a bunch of other bullshit

**break** sometimes when you starting out you make a date with a girl and you HOPE it costs a certain amount but when it starts going more than that you start wondering which days you will only consume water that week cause you went over your budget.

Now at this point im done eating and watching her put a dent on the humongous T bone and sides she ordered.the waitress comes by and asks if theres anything else before i can even open my mouth to say CHECK PLEASE big chops orders a big slice of pie with ice cream on it .thats called a la mode, see i told you she was getting french.AND could they give her a doggie bag to go for the rest of her food. somehow with the tip the bill comes out to $46. now i know you saying thats not a lot but remember this is back in the day when im still a jit and the fact the dennys menu is mostly $9 meals.

so we drive back to her spot and im in the parking lot saying i gotta at least get some head or something out of this cause all in all i showed her a pretty good time wouldnt you say?we sit and i listen to some more of her hopes and dreams.HOW MANY DREAMS CAN ONE BITCH HAVE ? SHIT! after a while she looks me in my eyes,i lean over for a kiss and she turns her face and gives me her cheek then gets out.WHAT?!?!?! i was flabbergasted.you know you upset when you start talking like a rich old white lady but i really was flabbergasted.

i told my friends the next day (big mistake) and they clowned my ass.they kept asking me how do only two people end up spending $46 at Denny's? they called me 46 all that summer.

HOW DREAD ALMOST GOT ME KILLED

One time when my car broke down I went looking for crackhead gary. I found him sleeping in front of Auto Zone and arranged to pick him up early the next morning. Of course he asked for a small deposit so he could speedball his problems away for the night.The next morning I go to pick him up and find out THE COPS ARRESTED HIM TWO HOURS PRIOR!!! fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk. So I ask if theres anyone else who can fix my car for cheap and get referred to another homeless dude named Dread.

Dread charges me an arm and a leg but it was still cheaper than a real mechanic so screw it.I go to pick this dude up and after a while he says he doesnt have enough tools so we go to Auto Zone where I buy a little toolkit.When we get back in the car I find out Dread sent me up to the counter to pay while he went in the back and helped himself to some extra supplies.mothufucka almost got me locked up for some fucking screw drivers.I wanted to cuss his ass out but my car wasnt running yet ( i was driving my sisters)

On the way back to my place he asks me to make a small detour while he runs in the house to see his lady real quick.I should have turned around soon as i saw all the street lights were shot out but i didnt,Dread says he will only be gone 5 minutes and I believe him.I run up the street and return in 10 min but theres no dread outside.i go up the street and return in another 10 but no dread.I park the car across the street from the house he went in so i dont miss him.tell me why after a couple min a dude shows up and knocks on my window and asks me who i am.i say im waiting for dread,he tells me lower my window but he has his hands behind his back the whole time so i say hell to the naw.i start to back out but theres another dude on the other side of my car and he got his hand behind his back too.at this point i realize im about to catch more shots than 50 cent so as i prepare to make my body go limp dreads fuckin ass runs out of the trap house screaming "DONT HES WITH ME!!!!"

crazy motherfucker almost had some slow singing and flower bringing action going on for some foolishness.then he stole the tools that i paid for.motherfucker

p.s. dont think i was scared to bring the heat to those fools .if i had my toast with me it would have been 187's all over that mug.Im a goblin

CRACKHEAD GARY

i cant make that car post without mentioning who bailed me out of most of those jams. CRACKHEAD GARY!!!

every hood has that one crackhead who used to be something real useful before he started sucking dick for rocks.i dont even remember how i met crackhead gary but he sure saved me many times.back in the day i made next to nothing and couldnt afford to go to the mechanic everytime my car needed something.luckily CG came along with the discounted rates.the only bad part was trying to find his ass.one time when the 1 of the tires came off my car he came over my house at 11 at night in the rain and fixed my calipers with no tools or light and his crackhead wife holding the umbrella over his head.LETS SEE PEP BOYS BEAT THAT.and i only had to pay him like $50.

one time he scared the shit out of me though.somebody told me my brakes were bad so i took the dodge to CG.CG is in the drivers seat and im in shotgun

me: hey gary can you fix my brakes for me?

CG: your brakes are fine

me : you sure?

CG:dont believe me?

this fool puts the car in reverse and FLOORS the gas.we start speeding toward the wall of Auto Zone at like 30 mph and im screaming like sisqo just getting kicked in the nuts.he brakes like a half of an inch from the wall and calmly says

CG: if your brakes were bad wed both be dead now

way to prove a point gary.

one time at Auto Zone (damn i used to be there a lot) im talking to CG in the parking lot and a cop pulls up and starts questioning us and runs our ID's to see if we have any warrants.turns out he sees me dopeboy fresh and CG looking like a crackhead and thought a deal was going down.moral of the story? dont hang out with crack heads.

the down side of CG was you had to search in the craziest hood spots to find him.and you had to give him some money everytime you saw him whether he worked on your car or not.hes a crackhead what do you expect?

one christmas i call myself being nice to CG and give him a jacket cause he sleeps outside Auto Zone.tell me why this fool traded my jacket for some crack.sigh...

one time my car broke down and my friend came to pick me and CG up to take us to Auto Zone. the windows were up and HE WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO STANK!!! while he was talking we were slowly trying to lower the windows without being too obvious.lol man those were good times