I WANNA BE RICH

My lil mama fell for an internet scam. I tried to told her ain't no get rich quick in this life but a hard head makes a soft ass.You can't help but love her though, she always think she gonna bring home a big payday and I'll be glad I struggled with her. It reminded me of when I fell for a big scam too. I used to read those little local papers and in the classifieds I saw an ad that says they would pay me $5.00 for each envelope I stuffed. KA......CHING!!!!!!. I started envisioning the whole thing in my head. I would work like 17 hours a day monday through friday. Very little sleep, after all i could stuff maybe 1,000 envelopes a day. There was this girl I was in love with but she "saw me like a brother". Bet you won't think of me as a brother when I come through in a spaceship with some 20 inch rims on it BIATCCHHH!!! heh heh I'd dream of it all day while I slaved to save an extra $85 to send away to join. I was working out of this little temp agency at the time and they would send me on all kinds of jobs.One gig I used to like was dishwasher at this nice hotel.





It's amazing how much rich people waste food. There would be these big banquets at the hotel and they would bring carts back full of steaks with only 2 bites taken out of them, mashed potatoes untouched, scrimps still whole etc.....We would take the unopened sodas,chips etc and eat while we work, sometimes take home. I never fit in over there because I was a privileged kid (compared to them) who had just dropped out of college working with ex cons and degenerates who could not get real jobs and slept behind auto zone. Sometimes I would work in the front where you would take plates off the cart, scrape them into the trash then put them on the conveyor belt of the dishwasher. Other times I'd work on the end where you take the clean plates off and put them on the rack. This part kinda sucked cause the plates would be still hot and after a while your hands would be damned near burned off.

I know it sounds like a stupid job to you but I preferred it to some jobs I had where I dealt with rude customers and asshole managers.Anyway I saved the money and sent it off and continued dreaming. I even thought about hiring an assistant so I could get even more letters folded. I figured after 6 months of diligent service I would give him the connect like I was Nino Brown or something. I checked the mail everyday and on days where the suspense was killing me, I would call home and see if a big box had arrived for me.

One day not a box but a package arrived for me,odd. Why would they send me a package instead of the supplies? I opened the package and it said that I had taken the first step and if I sent more money I would get the stuff. I realized no matter how much I sent I would never receive any supplies, I'd been had. I was so brokenhearted, not only would I never get the girl I wanted so bad but I lost my ticket out of that minimum wage hell I was in. I was back to square one, it was like that TI video where the girl thinks shes with TI and living the good life and she wakes up and shes still behind a register. It's the saddest thing in the world to see a grown man misting up




I told a dude at work about this and he told me I was a damn fool. He said why would someone pay me $5 to stuff an envelope when they have a machine that could do it for 1 cent and never get tired? ummmm.....yeah I am stupid. As much as I wanted to scold my lil mama for not listening to me all I could do was embrace her cause I know how it felt. So....have you ever been scammed?

CHRISTMAS DON'T BE LATE

What's up sneeches? It is I N0days0ff. If you stay broke as my lil mama keeps me you know this is the time of year you start saving for christmas presents. This year there's only 1 thing that I really want, a 160 gig ipod.




I can't even imagine having every song in the world available at the tip of my fingers.one second I'll be listening to The Jets "crush on you" then Domino "ghetto jam". I can't even think about it now....it's just a lot to take in.

Anyway I figured I would kick off the season with a christmas edition of What you know about that? It's basically a list of christmas memories and traditions. There's so much I'll probably have to do 2 or 3 posts.Feel free to add on some of your christmas traditions and anecdotes. Feliz Navidad and stuff.

WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT?

Egg Nog?




GOOD LAWD!!! my step father used to be gone off that egg nog mixed with his special juice he kept in a little flask in his boot. I can't even get started on that now, thats a whole other post

Nintendo?



after years and years of keith sweat-like begging ma dukes and her cheap ass finally got me a nintendo.Even though everyone had moved on to super nintendo and the like by then, I was still happy.Funny story is she was bringing it back from a plane trip she took. They ran the box through the x ray and saw the gun and damn near arrested my mama.She had to unpack the box and show them the gun was just a toy.Even then it still had to sit up there with the pilot until the plane landed.

Funny story 2.After all that begging, no one would let me plug the nintendo up to their tv so basically it was useless.There was like an urban legend going around that nintendos messed up tv's so my mama didn't wanna mess up our tv and the nintendo stayed in a box until I had my own tv....which by then I didnt want a wack ass nintendo no more

Mistletoe



I've never ever ever kissed anyone under a mistletoe so I don't know nothing about that. One time though we were having a christmas party at our house and this dude kept trying to catch my sister under the mistletoe,I cock blocked my ass off that night. Ain't no slobbin going on tonight my friend

Christmas albums



I love alll the christmas albums that come out.chestnuts roasting on an open fire and all that shit. A few favorites of mine include

*Christmas don't be late - Alvin the Chipmunks

me I want a huuuuuuuuullllllaaa hooooooppp. Lol gets me every time

*Santa baby - Eartha kitt

Santa cutie I need a duplex and checks....I love how she sounded ready to screw santa for some extra gifts under the tree. Nothing says I love baby jesus like that.

*The first noel- All 4 One

that last lick they hit always puts tears in my eyes.....or maybe its the egg nog,who knows?


Christmas Story



what would christmas be without watching Ralphie beg for that BB gun every year? YOU"LL PUT YOUR EYE OUT!!! FRA-GEE-LEE

The Christmas tree



Can I be real for a second? I almost got kinda misty eyed when I saw this pic. I just realized how hard it must have been for my mom to pay all the bills and still scrape up enough money to buy us a christmas tree and decorate it for us. When you a kid you just think about what you don't have and never grateful for what you DO have.I don't ever pretend she was an angel or nothing like that but Dukes had a hell of a job on her hands raising 4 kids. We always ate, not brand name good stuff but we ate. Never had the lights cut off,never no eviction notice on the door, none of that.She never made much money and now that I'm older I realize how crazy it is to bust your ass all the time just to make sure your kids ate. She never had no furs or nice jewelry or none of that. All she did was go to work everyday and bring us some food home.

I remember one time in high school Ma Dukes tried to walk me to school and I kept trying to get rid of her to the point she got mad and turned around and went home. I feel so bad about that sometimes. We were both wrong, her for not doing stuff like that when I was young enough to welcome it, and me for not being happy that I had a damn mama who cared. All I could think about was how no girls would talk to me if they saw my mommy walking me to school.All I cared about was being mr cool and I ended up hurting her feelings. I'm a piece of shit for that.She got out of her bed and got dressed so she could spend a little extra time with me and my stupid ass couldn't even appreciate that.Now Dukes is in a better place.....she lives in Connecticut.

THAT'S MY MAMA

My 10 year old nephew got his ass knocked out....literally.




guess he didnt inherit my knuckle game.when I was 10 I was giving cats the beatings of their lives.....or maybe not. One time I took my sisters cool new watch to school to show off to my friends.I was like in 1st grade or something. Everyone is on my tip sweating me when all of a sudden I feel a big ass shadow behind me












2 4th graders had rolled up on me and normally I would have pulled out and banged on em but I had left my super soaker at home. They took the watch from me. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO NOW? That wasn't my watch to begin with now I gotta go home and tell my sister I lost it? I sat in class all day and dreamed about running away from home . Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

After my sisters pick me up from school, we go home and halfway through Facts of Life I break the news to my youngest sis. Even Tootie spinning around on her roller skates couldn't save me. I got duffed out by my mom. Her fucking ass didn't even buy the watch in the first place ,it was a gift. What was she so mad for?....bitch.

The next morning as we leave for school mom started getting dressed too. UH OH!!! All along the way I keep hoping she turns down another street but she walks all the way with us to school. We get there and she tells me to point out the kids who robbed me, I said I'd never tell even if I sat in a cell.........YEAH RIGHT!! I snitched my ass off. I pointed the kids out and when they saw me and my mama coming I swear they almost shit their drawers











My mama said to give her the watch, The Gooch took it off so fast he almost got watch burn. Dukes pockets the watch then sets her purse down. She gets down on her knees and tells the kid since they are the same height now that he should try his luck and swing on her. The Gooch shook his head so hard I thought that sumbitch was gonna fly off. Dukes gets back on her feet and tells the kid if he ever fucks with me again she was gonna come back and throw him over the fence with one arm (is that even physically possible?) . That kid never so much as made eye contact with me again. Sigh.....that's Ma Dukes for ya

PAPA DONT PREACH/BRENDA'S GOT A BABY

We were raised in a STRICT christian household.church every sunday morning and night and wednesday night during the summer revival.it was so deep we werent even allowed to watch tv on sunday morning cause we had to get in the spirit.couldnt we wait to get in the spirit until after Fat Albert? anyway thats just to show you how it was in our house. My middle sister out of 3 got pregnant when she was like 18. SCANDALOUS!!!!!.

**break**. Remember in the jacksons movie when Tito got in trouble for hollering at girls instead of getting in the car? yeah like that


In our house that was like getting caught getting your dick sucked in the middle of the aisle easter sunday.it was that bad.my mom flipped out and threw my sister out of the house.by the way,yes she was pregnant for fake Ginuwines pony riding ass



my sister had to go stay with some friends cause Ginuwine was living with some friends or something.I think it was kinda crazy to throw her out the house while she was with child but i guess thats how hard dukes took it.if nothing else she always tried to make sure we had the chances she didnt have even if she had to beat it into us and my sister threw all that away (in moms eyes).so do you think she was right ? wrong? be honest. anyway after a while,mostly cause my aunts got into that ass, dukes made us go get my sister and bring her home .Dukes made her get an abortion. Funny how a woman supposedly so christian would condone an abortion for her teenage daughter.but i cant even call it cause honestly if i were in the same spot id do the same thing.honestly thats why a lot of the resentment and aggression i had toward my mom i let it go,because i realized i have the same values as she does.ill go to jail for child abuse before i let my kids run wild.i will whip some ass,ask all my nephews and nieces.i dont believe in going broke trying to make some little ungrateful motherfuckers happy and stylish.no sir.

Ma Beagle forbid my sister from seeing Ginuwine again so of course theyre still married today.My youngest sister of the 3 got pregnant when she was 18 too.now she chose to leave cause she was in love and couldnt nobody tell her nothing like jennifer hudsons fat ass.talmbout hes the greatest man shes ever known.she actually got kicked out by her boyfriend cause her lazy ass wouldnt cook or clean or do anything while he was at work all day.yes this sister.we all told her not to move out cause she didnt know the guy that well but she was "in love" and he was gonna be her baby daaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy.when he kicked her out she was too embarassed to come back home to listen to i told you so,so this girl slept in her car for a while.nobody knew anything till her boyfriend came asking for her.shes the most coldhearted bitch i know (love you pookie!!) but when she told me that story she broke down crying so i guess it must have been really crazy to be 18,pregnant,sleeping in your car cause you had nowhere else to go.

lil sis came home finally, and had a baby.yeah it was rough but we were all living at home at the time so we all pitched in and helped.now that i think about it that was one of the last times we were all ever in the same spot.now everyones got their own family,we all live far away,this one dont talk to that one,i dont talk to middle sis and Ginuwine....sometimes i think about those times when we could all be in the same room and not kill each other and i smile.it will never be like that again but the memory still makes me happy.its funny we refuse to talk to a certain sibling but we ask almost everyday how theyre doing and things like that.life is funny like that



But, sometimes, I still sit and reminisce
Then, think about the years I was raised, back in the days
Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again

PART III:BEAT YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHING

My mama would have out of body experiences sometimes and beat me like she aint even know me.She beat me like a slave one time.no i really mean she beat me like a slave.she stood back and gave herself enough space and would swing from the hip to have more power.heres the story:

One time when I was 10 I finished my bubble bath (FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!!!) and took my ninja turtles out the tub but i guess i forgot to empty all the mr. bubble out the tub.anyway i go and ride my bike and practicing my wheelies when i hear my fam calling me. I go in the house and ma beagle is sitting on the couch with her robe around her shoulders like James Brown singing Living in America. i ask what happened and my sister tells me i didnt take all the soap out the tub and mom went in the tub and slipped her big ass on all the foam. I picture her fat ass slipping and calling out for jesus while pulling down the shower curtain and start cracking up laughing.everyone was stunned for a second and then.....you ever watch a football game where they dont protect the receiver and like four guys just pile on him? yeah it was like that.i got sacked......but fuck it that shits still funny today.

one time after my mom blacked out on my ass i was taking a bath and she came in and asked what happened to my back.i gawked at her for a second then screamed "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN WHAT HAPPENED ? YOU CHOKED ME OUT LIKE DR DRE DID THAT BITCH THATS WHAT HAPPENED.NOW TAKE YOUR ASS TO THE STORE AND BUY SOME REAL CEREAL LIKE THE WHITE KIDS EAT ON TV!!!" i swear to you thats what i told her....or at least i meant to.

one time ma dukes didnt have time to grab a belt and she unleashed the dragon on my ass.

**break**
WPIX used to show the Last Dragon all the time and ninja turtles just came out so in my mind i thought i was a karate master

my mom starts slapping me around and i thought i had practiced my arts enough to be able to counter and block her attack.her chi was stronger than mine and she hit me with a combo i didnt anticipate.i had a shiner

















at this point she knew she fucked up and the people would be on her ass if i went to school like that .so i got to stay home for a week.lol you should seen her ass buying me all kinds of cheez doodles and ring pops and quarter waters,ol scary ass.she told me if the school called to tell them i had the flu, IN THE MIDDLE OF MAY?.man i stayed home and watched carebears,fantastic max and all that good shit.then reruns of good times and jeffersons came on.i lived it up that week.her ass was like ike turner telling anna mae not to leave the group.

PART II:BEAT YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHING

No im not done yet. I used to get beat like a pinata. In my house anybody older than you could discipline you and there was nothing you could do about it.That stopped like when i was 13 and I had the Barry White voice action going on. I barked on my sister that I was through getting hit and since I was looking down on her with my fists clenched she knew that those days were over.But when i was getting whooped i took some major ones (double no homo)

* One of the greatest whoopings of the 90's happened when i got 4 F's on my report card in 6th grade. Damn mrs. Lightman couldnt you have thrown some D's on that bitch? ...anyway I get home and My sister came home from stealing cups and plates aka the night shift at the sizzler.She was too tired to beat me but she told me to write her an essay on what excuse i had on failing 4 classes and have it ready by the time i came home from school. I told her not paying attention in class is what got me 4 F's in the first place so what sense does it make for me to write a report during school.i swear i never saw it coming

*One time my mom and i were home and she was cooking .She hadnt heard from me in a while so she came into my room and saw me somersaulting ACROSS the room onto my bed off of the top of a dresser.she actually stood there in shock for a second.that one i did see coming but i could do nothing to stop it.

*One time in church my mom caught me accepting candy from a lady she didnt know.im thinking i got away with it and chewing on my candy bar and singing "break me off a piece of that kit kat bar" .dukes doesnt say anything till were on the way home that night.all she said was "I saw you take that candy" .i spent the rest of the way home cursing that lady who couldnt keep her fucking candy bars to herself.ol bitch.when we get home i go into her room to get my whoopin.she tells me to take my church clothes off.i go in my room then come back naked.she calls me stupid and to go put my pajamas on.Then i find this big fluffy ass Cliff Huxtable sweater to cushion the blows and go back in her room.she tells me to take it off and by this time shes so mad she comes in and starts beating me not caring what the hell i had on.

*The last time I remember them getting physical with me was when my youngest sister was pregnant. I asked to go over my friends house and she said no. I didnt see why not ,it was friday and there was nothing to do so why the fuck not? i called myself getting bold and walked out the house anyway. My sister runs down the street after me and threatens me.she pushed me and by this time im so fucking frustrated at everyone always dumping on me and telling me what i can and cant do when they do whatever they like i dont even think and shove my sister back HARD. now i know i was dead wrong but i was young and stupid and frustrated .My sister was smart enough to leave me alone after that.she told my middle sister later and she took off her shoe and slapped me in the face with it.i let it slide even though at this point in time i could have easily put her through the wall because id done enough damage that day. But after that point even though my sisters and mom threatened me everyday no one ever really put their hands on me again.because i dont argue,i dont fight....I JUST HIT THAT BITCH WITH A BOTTLE

BUT IM NOT SLEEPY!!!!!!!

I had to be in bed by 9:00 till i was like 13. there i said it. My mom was an old school strict christian mom, she didnt play that even for a second.that shit used to used to piss me off cause i never got to watch New York Undercover .i didnt get into it until the reruns came on USA years later and i got pissed the fuck off all over again.the time that really tore my ass apart was when Oprah had a MAJOR interview with Michael Jackson at 9:00 and everyone watched it but me.I never told my homies i was going to bed at 9 of course.whenever they asked me if i saw melrose place or something i always said i was on the phone or something.what really used to piss me off was we'd go to church on sundays and get home at 11pm.if i can stay up late for that why cant i watch Hermans Head?

looking back,all the things dukes did was to make sure i came up right.all my cousins who could do what they wanted ended up going to jail,getting popped,having babies real young and all that.one of my cousins has a price on his head and can never go back to his old hood.sometimes me and my girl be talking about how she was walking around at 14 with her belly hanging out wondering how she was gonna feed herself and a baby and i realize the biggest worry i had was if i could beat Super Mario by 9:00.so i guess im saying thanks mom...WITH YO CHEAP ASS!!!! (i kid i kid)

IM JUST DOING MY JOB

I put out about a million applications before i got my first job. nobody ever called me back.i never applied for fast food though cause ive never heard anything remotely positive about slingin burgers and fries. finally I walked into a music store close to the crib i had never seen before,i couldnt explain it if i tried but it just felt right. Back when music was good (what the fuck does wipe me down even mean?) i was an expert.not just on rap either, i used to listen to aerosmith,leann rimes,beach boys etc. This wasnt any stuffy ass hurry up and buy music store either.the cashiers had piercings and tats and all that professional shit.they even had a listening station where theyd open whatever cd you liked and you could sit there and listen long as you liked long as there wasnt a line.I asked if they were hiring and they were. WOO HOO!!!

I showed up to my interview in my church suit.i looked like someone was getting married.my manager said i got the job just off that alone.i got the job and i was soooooo happy.i would be (somewhat) financially independent,i could upgrade to what i REALLY wanted to be (better clothes,could take girls out)and most of all i had a reason to not be in the house (another story). I really enjoyed working there helping people find music. My favorite part was when someone would come in with a song stuck in their head but they aint know the name.

customer: you heard a song where the dude keep saying you need like a mackavelli or some shit like that? thats my shit right there

me: oh yeah thats Splackavellie by Pressha.im suing him cause he wrote that about my life without consulting me


Of course the job came with downsides too, i never had time for homework.i would get out of school by like 2 or 3 and my shift started at 4.my grades had started slipping but i didnt care.i was living in hell and that was the only escape.another issue i had was what happens anytime someone starts doing better at anything, HATING!! my sister would get on me cause she said i acted too good to eat at home anymore.we'd also argue cause she would try to tell me how to handle my money and i didnt think that concerned her. i offered to contribute to groceries but she said no,after that what i do with my stacks is my business.

after my first friday i went to get my check and my manager (who is like family to me these days) laughed and explained how it would take like 2 weeks to get my first check.huh? but i been working there a full week!!!!

finally i got my first check and you couldnt tell me shit. $88.73 snitches. BAAAAAALLLLLLLIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN !!!!!!! man you would have thought i had found Jay z's wallet the way i put on.I went to the little hood check cashing spot and got my scrillers,minus 2% :( .then i went to the mall and got me some fried rice and bourbon chicken.

**break** previous to this the only time id ever had that was the little sample on a toothpick but i always swore when i got my money right i would blaze them up

after that i picked up like 2 $7 t shirts (this doubled my wardrobe lol)and blew a stack ($5) at the arcade. THIS IS LIFE. i miss those days.we used to could read the magazines free in the break room.i could buy stuff out the vending machine at school like the cool kids,i felt like an adult. it even seemed like i got more respect at home cause i had a job like everyone else.i no longer had to ask my sister for an allowance anymore, if i wanted something i just copped it.i even felt more adult than some of my friends

friend: you saw that new show MTV got called TRL? they had this white girl on there i think her name britney something, when i tell you that ho so fine dawg...

me:oh naw i aint see that,i had to work and my boss dont play about being late.

friend: oh...you could buy me some m&m's



it was such a change of lifestyle cause as a kid all i used to do was watch tv all day and i had nothing but free time but now i never had time to do anything.if i wanted to see the WB wednesday id have to tape it and watch it saturday.but i didnt complain cause i loved my little job.we were a ticketmaster outlet and i was pretty good at that.we even had in store signings too and i met jon b and public announcement when they went solo from kells.the music that was out then played a big part of my life obviously cause it was a music store.I witnessed the Backstreet Boys come out and murder everything moving,then nsync and britney,christina aguilera and 98 degrees came after and jacked their whole swag.Master p was HUGE then too (UGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!) almost every tuesday he had a new album out.

so.....what was your first job?

YOUR MOST JACKED UP CAR?

I was thinking over all the cars ive ever had the othe other day and I realized I HAVE NEVER HAD A GOOD CAR! I dont live down south anymore so I take the train everyday now but i used to have some clunkers let me tell you.

red chevy. NO AC!!! didnt realize until i drove off the lot that the drivers side DIDNT LOCK!!! one day while at work somebody just opened my door and stole my stereo and a new jacket i hadnt even wore yet.I was up-set!!

red acura.now this car really wasnt bad at all but it was too damn low.everytime you went over a speed bump you did damage.best looking and performing car i ever had.it was so fast.if you even TAPPED the gas youd be in the future.

white car.my first car ever.paid a few hundred for it .it broke down like 10 minutes from the place i bought it lol.

brown dodge.had this car a long time.not bad at all but one day i was going 65 on the highway and i see something out of the corner of my eye and felt the car drop.MY TIRE CAME OFF!!!!!!!! i almost died that night lol.

gray dodge.the front windows could not roll down and there was no ac.i dont even have to tell you i was sweating like a slave on the amistad.plus the speakers blew out on one side but i was still grooving on the left.this car had a nasty habit if you left it out in the sun it would overheat.so everytime i went to work i used to try to get this spot under a tree so it would stay cool like a horse lol.

one time i pulled up to a light and these girls pulled up next to me and were looking.i turn to give them the eye and MY CAR STARTS SMOKING SO BAD!! the wind starts blowing it into their car and they started coughing and rolling up their window.i peeled off so fast i dont even think the light changed yet.i was mortified


nobody said being a working college student was easy.come on now i know im not the only one with jacked up car stories?