LIPTON'S

*First off, all the women in my last post who said they don't know what teabagging is are some liars. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE!!!! Sigh...but I'll humor you. Teabagging is when you stand over the woman and ...



get it,got it? good.I can't believe how much time I spend watching the news now.When did I grow up? Between whats going on with Ciroc Obama, keeping an eye on the economy and now this stock market crash, I am becoming downright knowledgeable



*I seen this on the internet the other day




WTF? I didn't even know you could do this. When I'm gone to see sweet minty in the upper room (wink to raider wifee) I want my box to have a picture of Sisqo (platinum hair Sisqo not the tamer blond hair one) unleashing the dragon on the world.

*Speaking of Raider Wifee, she has a picture of a belt as her banner on her blog. That reminds me of my mom's favorite whoopin belt. It was red leather and on one end of the buckle was a fish. The other end was a bigger fish with its mouth wide open like it was about to swallow the other one




I bet her big ass probably had that custom made too. "LONG AS YOU GOT RIGHT ON YOUR SIDE YOU CAN WHOOP ANYBODY'S ASS WITH JUST THIS BELT POOTIE TANG!!!"

*Random fact: I STAN for Neyo.

I'm so sick of love songs. So tired of tears
So sick of wishing you was still here
said im so sick of love songs all sad and slow
so why can't I turn off the radio?


Dude can't do no wrong by me. I been listening to that "Miss Independent" like 49x a day.He got this song on his new cd called "part of the list" WHOOO!!!! I cant even talk about it

*What else is going on? Oh yeah, Me and my lil mama had a funny conversation the other day.

Lil mama's message on my answering machine: Hey baby, I been searching and searching but I finally found the right school and.. (kids fussing in the background).. I'll calll you back

me (calling her back right away): I'm so proud of you!!! I knew this day would come that you would get yourself together....

lil mama: huh?

me: didn't you say you found a school?

lil mama: yeah my daughter has a soccer game and we bout to be late cause I couldn't find the school.

awkward silence



Say what you want but there's never a dull moment with her.

*Thanks for all the people who leave comments on here. I read every single one. I know I'm bad about commenting back but I will try to make it to every one of your blogs


* Y'all know for a fact I looooooves me my brothers and sisters. We were kings and all that shit.Tell me why the blk people in the mail room (basically the only ones there) been stealing the free dairy creamer and free cups out of the pantry at work.I understand they dont make as much as the other people who work there but FUCK!!! I guess they figure the company has a limitless budget on stuff like that (which is true) but damn people show some class. I can't even front one time in middle school I stole a roll of toilet paper cause we ain't had none at home. DON'T LAUGH AT ME WE WAS POOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

RANDOM

Well it's almost official, my days of consistent blogging are pretty much over. Sigh.... I am so busy with work these days even off the clock. Add to that me and my lil mama are trying to get our lives together for this marriage/living together thing we are about to do. We plan to move to another state and that takes soooo much planning.

This dude at my job called in at 3pm the other day. He was supposed to be there at 8 am.OMG how we laughed.

This Lehman Bros shit going on in the news is bigger than a lot of people think. Basically if they go out of business this country is screwed

My 40 year old sister read in my nieces diary that some dude tea bagged her. She asked me what that meant. I was like "uhhhhh...."

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME...

It's been a long time i shouldnt have left you
without a strong rhyme to step to

rakim


What's up sneeches? Work has been so crazy lately I've actually had to spend my days working instead of blogging. WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THAT?? Basically they changed the way we do things at work and now I spend more time making calls and writing emails to find out how they want shit done instead of actually doing the shit. Watching them run the company is like watching two retards fuck,sigh......but i digress.I can't be on this bitch all night pouring my heart out so I'll make it quick.

Saturday night after I got home from being engaged, tropical storm Hanna Montana flooded my super's crib. I was up till like 4 am baling water out into the sink. My back and legs still ache (no homo). After an hour of this I walked into the backroom to see how the water looked in there and was shocked to find his little 30 year old girlfriend (he's 50+) lying on the bed while we did all the work. HELL TO THE NAW!!!
sugar daddy or not, how you just gonna lay there while somebody lose all his shit? as much shit as I talk I'm glad I got my lil mama and I don't have to be out there looking for love in all the wrong places anymore. The fucked up shit is we weren't done at 4 am but he kicked us out really quickly cause he wanted to get on top of her LMAO!!!! I guess when you that age you gotta use that boner when you get it. can't be up all night trying to dry out that bootleg persian rug you got from uptown.

Two days later I was sick as a dog from being in ankle deep water all night. I wanna clear something up. Women always say men turn into such babies when they get sick. NOT TRUE!!!!! It's just that by the time we let you see we are sick we are nearly dead. Yeah I climbed my ass into bed last night fully clothed, told my lil mama to tell my mama I loved her, and told her to make sure they played Sisqo "Unleash the Dragon" on repeat at my funeral. SO WHAT!!!!! I was at the crossroads (im gonna miss everybody).

Speaking of funerals, One time (one time at band camp) this dude we know died and at the funeral his sister had the tape of Boyz II Men's first album because It's so hard to say goodbye was on there. This was like the early 90's so it was a cassette and she had to keep rewinding it to the song. Tell me why she had to go do something and the tape kept playing and a few minutes later all you heard was : UHHHH AHHHH
UUU--UUUUU---UUUUUUHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!

wtf? certified baby making music coming out the speakers. people ain't know whether to pay respects or start grinding. You know which one I chose.




Let's see...what else, what else? Oh yeah this dude came to work the other day dressed like a fucking detroit pimp.




He came with a powder blue dress shirt and a matching bowler hat. I thought he was gonna start calling people cat daddy and grabbing yt women's elbows and asking for his "lettuce". He walked in the door and a piece of my soul left this earth. Some people just take shit too far. I'm still laughing.

what else? Oh yeah, this lady at my job got fired, do you know that old bitch actually passed out in front of her boss' desk?



LAWD!!!!!!!!!!! how we laughed and laughed. Then I called my lil mama and we howled about it. This ole Harriett Winslow lookin ho and her dramatic ass. Had them callin paramedics for her like she still wasn't gonna be fired when she woke up. This recession ain't no joke I tell you. Even if you sellin fries be happy you got at least that.

what else? Oh yeah, this dude who got fired 3 mon ago called up and asked if we want him back.WTF?? MUFUCKA YOU AINT QUIT WE FIRED YOUR ASS!!! this recession ain't no joke. for real on the really.

In case you didn't know, sometimes I guest blog

JUST ME & YOU

Meet me at the altar in your white dress
We ain't getting no younger, we might as well do this
Been feeling all the while girl I must confess
Girl let's just get married
I just wanna get married

Jagged Edge - Let's get married


Me and lil mama are officially engaged.










no rings,no get down on one knee while a waiter named Fabrizio plays pop lock and drop on the violin,nothing like that. I just took her to the side and told her how I felt . I said we aint no little rich kids who parents gonna give them $20,000 trips around the world so we need to be realistic. At first she tried to argue in favor of the wedding. I told her even if we did get our hands on $30,000 (cash or credit) it would be foolish to blow it on a wedding just to impress her girlfriends when we could do so many other things.

Man it's a little scary thinking about it, I'm not even going to lie to you. Being legally bound to her and not being able to just leave if we stop seeing eye to eye. Lord give me strength. I asked her if she wanted an engagement ring first, she said fuck it lets just do it.That's why I roll with her. We are going to do my plan of flying out to Hawaii and getting married at the resort. We are taking the kids with us. If they interrupt my boot knocking I will throw em into a volcano.

Signed,

The Big Kahuna

THAT'S MY MAMA

My 10 year old nephew got his ass knocked out....literally.




guess he didnt inherit my knuckle game.when I was 10 I was giving cats the beatings of their lives.....or maybe not. One time I took my sisters cool new watch to school to show off to my friends.I was like in 1st grade or something. Everyone is on my tip sweating me when all of a sudden I feel a big ass shadow behind me












2 4th graders had rolled up on me and normally I would have pulled out and banged on em but I had left my super soaker at home. They took the watch from me. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO NOW? That wasn't my watch to begin with now I gotta go home and tell my sister I lost it? I sat in class all day and dreamed about running away from home . Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

After my sisters pick me up from school, we go home and halfway through Facts of Life I break the news to my youngest sis. Even Tootie spinning around on her roller skates couldn't save me. I got duffed out by my mom. Her fucking ass didn't even buy the watch in the first place ,it was a gift. What was she so mad for?....bitch.

The next morning as we leave for school mom started getting dressed too. UH OH!!! All along the way I keep hoping she turns down another street but she walks all the way with us to school. We get there and she tells me to point out the kids who robbed me, I said I'd never tell even if I sat in a cell.........YEAH RIGHT!! I snitched my ass off. I pointed the kids out and when they saw me and my mama coming I swear they almost shit their drawers











My mama said to give her the watch, The Gooch took it off so fast he almost got watch burn. Dukes pockets the watch then sets her purse down. She gets down on her knees and tells the kid since they are the same height now that he should try his luck and swing on her. The Gooch shook his head so hard I thought that sumbitch was gonna fly off. Dukes gets back on her feet and tells the kid if he ever fucks with me again she was gonna come back and throw him over the fence with one arm (is that even physically possible?) . That kid never so much as made eye contact with me again. Sigh.....that's Ma Dukes for ya

IM TRYNA PUT YOU TO BED-ED-ED

Funniest thing happened after work today. Everybody on the way home from a hard day of work and this homeless looking black kid like 20 years old comes up and starts trying to sing for his supper.the funny thing is the song he chose to sing, Bed by J. Holiday.needless to say it was uncomfortable yet hilarious. The best part was all the emotion he put into it


















wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed

at this point nobody knows how to react because there was too much going on

1. Besides me there was no black people there so im sure they didnt know the song. some black kid just walks up talmbout wrap me up in your legs

2.he couldnt sing for shit but he really thought he was killing it

3.nobody was putting shit in his hat but he still sang the song all the way through

4.dude was mad dirty and trying to saaaang someones panties off. I almost lost it

SO I CREEP...

I've porked a few fatties in my youth, I admit it.



a couple sasquatches and one certified booger bear.why they the ones who always wanna be claimed and shit? you ever just had a fling with someone just to blow off some steam and they think y'all "together"?

80 degrees as i tell that trick please
raise up off these N-U-T-S
cause you gets none of these
at ease


one time i was going through a lot of stuff and i met this chick one saturday night while i was out trying to clear my head. She wasn't the hottest girl out there but i needed a pick me up. DON'T JUDGE ME Y'ALL I WAS GOING THROUGH A LOT OF SHIT!!!. I got the digits (back then it was still cool to say got the digits) we conversated a few times, and we set up a smash session for later that week.

It was good y'all.I cant even lie, Queen Latifah's little sister BROKE ME OFF. We was originally just supposed to go out and make out a little but on the way home i pulled over to 7-11 and got her chunky ass a big gulp. I guess all that syrup + the jodeci blend tape (HOO YEAH!!!!) + the glade air freshener i positioned strategically in front of the air vent + my natural mackadociousness was just too much for her.

we started bustin a goobin in her driveway but her pops was home so we moved it over to my crib.I got topped off on the drive home, she musta thought it was a corn dog or something. We got to my room and it was on!!

LIKE TWO GORILLAS IN THE JUNGLE MAKING LOVE!!!

what would you doooooooo for a klondike bar? I put it on her big ass, or at least I tried to. Remember when Xscape sang about the softest place on earth? I found it lying on her stomach. Lol the funniest part of that night was i was playing R kelly half on a baby (I used to have the mixtapes for that azz!) and she stood up on my bed and straddled me and started dancing to the music like she thought it was turning me on. All I could think was "Lord if this big bitch falls on me its a wrap".

After a while of laying in the bed listening to 702 etc.. she starts saying how cool she thinks I am and she dont wanna just be a fuck to me,she wanna be my lady and go out to eat womp womp womp



shoulda thought of that before you gave up the panty draws big chops.

**break** before you start calling me a douchebag,you need to know 3 things

1) I'd just gotten out of like 3 bad relationships in a row of women taking advantage of me

2) I was very young

3) I dont give a fuck. This is my blog, thats how it works.sike!! :)

So now im ready for her to go so I start throwing all kinds of hints

me: what time is it? 2:30??? damn i gotta lot of shit to do tomorrow. I gotta pick my aunt up from the airport....

big chops: you got a shirt I can sleep in?





DAMN!!! now ima have to buy her breakfast. ol hungry rooty tooty fresh and fruity eatin ass

YOU AINT GETTIN NADA...

my old ass super in my building saw me coming in from work.


supe:hey whats happenin there cool?i know you a professional young brother womp womp womp my son has a construction company and im trying to get a hundred people to each put in a thousand dollars and after a year you double your money womp womp womp i came up with this idea in jail 10 years ago womp wo---



hold up!! in jail? thats when i walked away from his old mushmouthed the cosby mysteries looking ass. motherfucka thinks ima give him my snaps to flush down the drain? just to double it? so i cant use my thousand dollars for a whole year (in a recession, mind you) just to make a wack ass thousand ?

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Me and my lil mama call each other Barack and Hillary now.cause we both swear the other be making some long ass speeches when we argue.actually i called her barack first and you know her copycat ass had to call me hillary.we battled all day today....as usual.i almost lost my cool though when we were arguing about something and she told me to man up




man enough for you now?

quick joke:
Q:what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

A:nothing.you already told her twice

i kid i kid.i actually almost got abused.i tried to pull a chrissy snow and when she was talking i started going womp womp womp



needless to say she almost unleashed the dragon on my ass.i swear i dont think i have ever won an argument with her ass.even when im right she has a way of apologizing like shes still right.

her:what you had for lunch?

me:mcrib

her:why you aint bring me one?

me:remember you told me you dont eat them cause you threw up that one time and said youd never eat another one again?

her:THAT WAS OVER A YEAR AGO!!!

me: so what?

her:you right!! i forgot who i was talking to.i forgot if i said something happened to me 9 years ago you still remember.me,i dont got time to remember all that.i gotta: feed the kids,get their clothes ready for church,find me an outfit...

TOP FLIGHT

I was a security guard for a few years.good money too. I started at a hotel/resort place and later transferred to a small apartment complex.when i interviewed they kept asking me how id handle all these different situations.i thought they wanted someone real tough so i gave all these thuggish answers

?: what if you have a guest making too much noise?

me:punch him in his motherfucking mouth

?:what if you have a lady who wants you to let her in her room but doesnt have any id on her

me:hmmmmmm.....(after some thought) punch her in her motherfucking mouth?

they told me i was coming on too strong but i got the job anyway.they said they didnt want me to have my pants hanging off my ass (what kind of racist shit is that?) and made me wear these tightass nut hugging brown polyester pants.thats me on the left



we didnt have names either we only referred to each other as our number

me:this is 525 doing a patrol in sector 4 over.

thats right i had my own little golf cart snitches.i had just gotten my license and loved driving my little cart at top speed.one day about a week after i started i was congratulating myself on what a good driver i had become ,i went around a turn too fast and the polyester pants aint have no kind of grip so i slid acroooooooossss the seat of my cart,hit the rail and flew out my cart,i mean patrol vehicle.im on the ground but the cart kept going and smashed into somebodys car.i look around to see if anybody saw me.no one did so i jumped in the cart to bump out but it wont start and the windshield had fallen out.i put the windshield in the seat and pushed that shit the hell out of dodge before i lose that good job.

that job was fun sometimes.there was a gas pump where we would fill up the vans.tell me why my supervisor would pull up his real car and fill that bitch to the top then mark it in the book as the van.he told his boss that the van got bad mileage when they asked why it got filled up regularly but stayed empty.

one night a drunk lady called up and said she thinks shed been raped.i knooooww its fucked up but we laughed our asses off.how do you THINK youd been raped?

one night a dude had a heart attack.the ambulance came to get him and on the way out the ambulance jumped the curb and ran into a tree.the tree fell on a bunch of cars( i guess it was just his time to go). it was so funny watching my superior officer call a bunch of people and tell them their car had been in an accident when they parked their car for the night hours ago.

one night i had a date.i called up my superior officer and gave him this big lie about how one of my eyes was maybe infected or something and i would probably have to go to the eye doctor tomorrow.do you know that fool still made me come in and promised to let me off early? now i couldnt go in with two healthy eyes or id look like a liar so i wore a damn eyepatch the whole night and told myself i look like romeo from immature.man i used to be a fool